Last Sunday I found out I am currently messing up my life.
I was walking through Junquerra Street that afternoon to find a pay-per-view venue for the coming Pacquiao-Margarito fight, instead I ended up under the mercy of scissors inside a barber shop. My hair was porcupine-ish it would scare a lot of interviewers. I was not in the mood for conversation so I focused on listening to the FM radio. A male voice was singing. At first I didn’t pay attention to the lyrics but when I got hooked with the smooth melody I did. I realized someone, some where at the other side of the world, cared to write a song about me.
I memorized a few stanzas, and later found out in the internet the song was “Better Man” by English legend Robbie Williams. The words are about a man struggling with his life burdened by disappointments, pain, and loneliness. He was talking to the Lord either in a prayer or in a conversation searching for reassurance, strength and answers. It is part love song, part song of life-struggles. These entire elements I can relate to, it really surprised me to hear it. And it’s a lovely music.
This year I’ve had a lot of screwed-up moments. Things I’ve done that I shouldn’t do, opportunities I let go, the responsibilities I cannot cope, and the bad decisions I made. I quit my very first job for so many reasons I don’t even know which one of them is the major reason, or which one of them are real. It was a fun work by the way; good pay, good boss. I love my friends in the church and the workplace out there in Manila, not to mention the malls and free cine (film festivals in Shangrila). Yes, I throw it all up because I knew it’s not for me. But I don’t know what is for me.
I was so disappointed with my self that I didn’t want to go outside and face the world. It’s quite different from last year where everything I’ve done was good and I have all the reason to display myself proudly. But despite all those mistakes, there were people for me who stood for me even begged not to let go, that it’s OK I’m still young and it’s a great opportunity for me to stay. I felt like I betrayed them. I still can’t forgive myself.
Deep inside I know there are things I am meant to do.. I don’t know what it is, where to find and when it will come. Maybe that is the equivalent of “send some one to love me” in the song. It could be a person, a new direction or another opportunity that will give me redemption. I hope Lord all those mistakes and sacrifices are worth it. I hope my soul will heal the shame and I can master the pain. Lord I’m doing all I can to be a better man.