This post was published as “When I Die“ in the Youngblood column of the Philippine Daily Inquirer last March 31, 2011. Wicked!
This third of March a local tabloid here in Cebu released one of the most memorable headlines I’ve seen – “NAMATAY SA SEX.” It was news about a 57 American who died through cardiac arrest while performing the deed. Weird as it is but I found the guy’s death dramatic. Of course there are more dramatic deaths throughout the history. My all-time favorites are Jose Rizal’s martyrdom at Luneta, King Leonidas’ last stand in the Battle of Thermopylae, Ninoy Aquino’s assassination by the tarmac, Princess Diana’s car accident and Jesus Christ’s crucifixion. These are the deaths that captured the interest of millions and in many ways influenced the world and history. Perhaps people are interested to study their lives because of their death’s fashion.
For many months now I secretly fascinated myself about death. I came to the conclusion/delusion that I will die soon – as a young man. Of course I too have dreams I want to reach. I want to meet and befriend many people. Earn lots of money, see the world and visit the places I only see on movies. But then with those things in mind, I realized death isn’t really so bad at all. It’s inevitable coming, and the fear of it, only makes us live and appreciate life to the fullest.
With Death waiting in the shadows I found myself treasuring every details of my life – from the past to things that are still to come. I appreciated the day I fracture my left elbow because I realized it was also the day I bought and savored the first taste of a hamburger. I was blessed to be born with a handicap because I can’t stand the scenario if it is any of my loved ones who will have it. I am thankful to all the girls who broke my heart, after all they were like northern stars that led me straight to my one and only. And just last night, I climbed the dormitory’s rooftop (a crime punishable of forced eviction – Kuya Felix) just to see a couple of stars in the sky. Being there all alone was simply wonderful and I never felt so peaceful my entire life.
Now that I’ve mentioned my possible expiration date in the face of the Earth it is time to discuss how am I going to die. Based on my assessment I am not likely commit suicide since I’m not the emo type of guy. Vehicular accidents are also unlikely since I don’t know how to drive a car, worst a motorcycle (shame on me we have two at home). Kidnapped and tortured to death are quite gruesome thanks God I am not rich.
I have narrowed the possibilities to a handful of scenarios. First, I’ll fall off 40 stories above the ground in my coming first attempt at Crown Regency Hotel’s Sky Walk Experience. Second, I’ll rescue a really really cute girl from holdappers/rapists and they got me killed after an epic fight scene. And lastly l will uncover a conspiracy that will involve massive corruption in the government, so politicians will order hit on me, but not after I posted the audit finding online. These are surely dramatic and pure products of wishful thinking.
The truth is I really don’t have an idea how I will die, or when it will happen. What really matters is that I can lead a good life that people may remember in a positive way because I am afraid to be forgotten as much as I fear death. I want people to know before I live that I tried my best to live a normal life, that I made my parents proud of me, that my blood donations were not a waste, that I always wanted to become a good friend to anyone. Every night I pray that my death will cause another life to live.
When I was born, I was crying and everyone around me was smiling and when I die I want to be the one smiling even though everyone around me is crying.