One Disoriented Bad-Ass

Posted: November 7, 2011 in Boracay Chronicles

I am good at what I do. But what I do isn’t very nice…

Ok I’ve said it! I just quoted Wolverine. I’m not really a fan of Hugh Jackman’s portrayal of the character  he made him a little softer and eternally anti bad-ass.

So what’s my point isn’t about comic super heroes and stuffs like that. Let’s talk about a situation that would hold the future of humanity, I mean this blog. Guys, I am losing it. I don’t know what the hell I am writing for in this website anymore. I don’t even know myself anymore! In case you haven’t the  past couple of months noticed I’ve been posting craps, lacking in substance and thought totally unrelated to the Bad-Ass manifest of the site. The X-Factor called ART has been missing already.

I think I know the reason behind all this unbecoming. My job, you know the one that pays my bills. Take note I do love my job because I’m really good at it and it’s no stressful thing. But there is something really bad in working 12 hours and graveyard shifts.  When you are working while everyone is sleeping slowly you’ll lose orientation of time continuum. You’ll only remember vague memories of what happened yesterday, or was it yesterday? Suddenly you’ll be asking yourself What date is today? At home it hard to sleep in daylight, and it’s even harder to wake up and get out of the bed at dusk. I always have a heavy head after sleeping leaving me to facie my day… disoriented.

But that’s only the beginning, the tip of the fucking iceberg one might say. In my case I have to say goodbye to either being a writer, a photographer, a runner, an illustrator, a fitness buff, a movie-goer or even worse all of them. I can only be one when I’m working at night in three different hotels juggling numbers. And the way I say it there’s no more time to be creative and do bad-ass stuffs. Ouch, that’s bad news for Lapiskamay.

The sad part is there are a lot of unexpressed ideas inside my head that I cannot channel out anymore. Oh Christopher Nolan was right that an idea is the most resilient parasite. It’s hurting me bad. I always wanted to make a film analysis of the Batman mythology in Nolan’s universe, the genius behind the Infernal Affairs and its powerhouse Hollywood remake, the voice of Adele, a full review of Rock Rizal album as the greatest OPM collaborations, finish drawing my designs for next year’s Halloween, dissect the lovely existence of Ashley Gosiengfiao, recommend the video games I love, list down all the books I am yearning to read next year… yatata, yatata. Shit! they are all inside my head rotting.

I told you I’m losing it. I’m losing grasp of reality, my existence and my craft.

Right now, all I can do is hang-on and post more craps. And really hope that there is always a way to be good again. But for now, I have to enjoy my DAY-OFF! It just hit me a few hours ago; I decided to go backpacking to Kalibo, the capital of Aklan 2 hours away from this island. As in right now.  I have no budget at all but I think I’ll figure that out when I get there. This means adventure.

I’ll have my 21st blood donation there.  And maybe on my way back I’ll see some sentinels, not those robots, but giant acacia trees featured in the Inquirer here!

  1. aylablahs says:

    Whenever things would go awfully bad, I always turn back to something my good friend would say, “It will always get better.” Don’t give up Lester!

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